This tiny little spider decided to stop my plans of sleep at 1am, since I have no plans of getting to sleep any time soon may someone tell me what type of spider could be this monsterous!
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$\begingroup$ Welcome to Biology SE! Please provide more information about the size and location of "the beast" so that we can help! $\endgroup$ – Mowgli Feb 3 '19 at 4:44
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It is a male Steatoda, probably S. grossa (picture below). These spiders are often called False Widows, since the females are generally a large purply black and look similar to their cousins the Black Widows. Steatodas are pretty harmless, though, although a couple of species (in the UK/Europe) are known to sometimes produce bite effects like a mild Widow bite. Not at all dangerous, but a little disquieting if you're the one that gets bitten. Presuming that you're in North America, though, you're fine. Steatodas are Theridiid ("cobweb") spiders common in and around houses, and the harmless males are often encountered when they wander around looking for love as adults.
Bug guide has a good section on S. grossa, including lots of images of male spiders like this one.
https://bugguide.net/node/view/6932
Information on Steatoda envenomation is broadly available, but not in great detail. The Wiki entry appended below covers the ground as well as any of them.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steatoda
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A spitting spider. Neat little spiders that I get in my house quite frequently. They're harmless and one of the few types of spiders that have six eyes instead of eight. Here's some more info.
https://imb.uq.edu.au/article/2017/11/spitting-spiders-natures-strangest-hunters
